Written by Annabel Ngien.
Grandfather
My mother once told me a story
About how my grandfather’s dream
Was to replace his broken veins by plastic ventilators
So as to be forcefully kept alive
Long enough to witness my university graduation
It reminds me of how he foolishly
Slid down a bridge that I made with my unused mattress by
Propping it up inclined on my double-decker bed
I laughed, because I did not understand
The lost, hollow pain darting in his pupils
When his joints popped against the crisp floor
Yet he still insisted on playing with me
For he thought it worthwhile to trade his health
For my mindless laughter
I also remember how years later
When Parkinson’s fettered his tongue up into eloquent knots
He uttered my name in contorted stutters
I ignored him
For the way he pronounced my name was ugly
Little did he know that I was always a smart student
Too busy with school to visit him
So on a Wednesday night
When we hadn’t realized
That he was dying
I brought him a pen and paper to make him
Write traditional Chinese characters
In gnarly, awry strokes
In his feeble, degenerating limbs
So that I could secretly snigger at his strange handwriting
And on that night he insisted on going out
To buy me a gold chain that will persist
Long after his limp lungs disintegrate
When mechanical tubes and ventilators failed him
His dream failed to come true too
For he never knew that I was accepted into
The best university in our country
And my dreams expired along with him
When his coffin was swallowed down the
Hungry jaws of the incinerator hole
To where he ventured, I do not know
So I craft my grandfather
Letters of love and apologies
Despite loaded college assignments
And invitations to social night-outs
It reminds me of the sacrifice he made
When sliding down
Unused mattresses and make-pretend bridges
The only difference is how
He never came to chuckle at the countless poems
I wrote about him
Like how
I used to laugh at him
This poem is dedicated to my grandfather who passed away 11 years ago – the only person I’ve ever fully respected without grudges in my life.
