Firstly, this isn’t an article about romance. Relationships can involve romance but they’re not equivalent. A relationship, loosely defined as “the way in which two (or more) people are connected”, takes a great deal of effort and time, and isn’t to be confused with the fluff most mainstream movies and literature cook up.

Humans have an innate desire to connect intimately with others (unless you’re a sociopath) but no one really teaches you how to work through the complexities and intricacies of a relationship, particularly a romantic one. Schools and parents make blunt, awkward attempts at informing you about the stages and what to do and what to avoid but nothing, nothing prepared me for the ups and downs of a relationship, and its power to make make you feel utterly vulnerable, and yet happily so.

We stumbled at the beginning, navigating our way through a maze of doubts and uncertainties, conflicts and hard times… but each step of the way, we’ve learnt and grown even closer. Experience is the best teacher, and I’m so very fortunate. Of course, these are personal insights that may not apply to everyone because each relationship has a different unique context. Take what you need and be on your way.

1. COMMUNICATION (and because this is the most important of all, there will be 4 subpoints)

a) Be honest while being diplomatic and sensitive. If you are hurt/upset by or don’t agree with something your partner does, don’t keep it in. That’s only going to accumulate and eventually explode or implode. However, do it with tact and with kindness. “It upsets me when you… and I would really appreciate it if you…” instead of “Why must you always do this..??” This applies even to smaller things like an unflattering shirt – “The cut of this shirt doesn’t complement your wonderful figure”  instead of “You look bad in this shirt”. 

b) Be direct. No, that’s not the same as being honest. Communicate as straightforwardly as possible when it comes to important matters. If you’d like to have a nice romantic date on your birthday, let your partner know. Don’t drop hints and get angry about it if he doesn’t get it. Don’t imply it through actions or figurative language and expect your partner to be able to read between the lines or magically know what’s on your mind. (Though it’s good when couples become so familiar with each other’s body language that they are able to interpret tiny, spontaneous gestures accurately.) 

c) Clarify. Your partner can say something vague and you can interpret it in a million ways that wasn’t what he/she truly meant. It’s like the telephone game when we pass down a message from person to person. Eventually it turns out warped and funny, except when you’re in a disagreement, it isn’t hilarious at all and could be damaging. So respond with a question before giving him/her your reply. “Do you mean ___ when you said ____?” 

d) Learn to manage your emotions such that they do not affect your rational decision making. It is okay to respond emotionally, but decisions and choices are best made when you’re not too overwhelmed. If you’re angry, first, calm down. We tend to say the most hurtful words in the heat of the moment and regret afterwards when we realise we don’t actually mean them. 

2. GRATITUDE. Appreciate the little things constantly and let your partner know. Every single day, we try to make the effort to thank each other for something, no matter how small. “Thank you for sending me home.” “Thank you for your time.” “Thank you for letting me know what you truly feel.” It may insignificant but it makes a huge difference when you feel like your actions and sacrifices are worth it. 

3. LAUGH. It’s the best way to break tension and strengthen the bond.  Make jokes. Act like a kid all over again. Tickle each other. Be silly. Have fun. 

4. UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT. Get to know your partner’s character and personality well, and respect the differences between the both of you. Be clear of his/her past, mindset and needs. If he or she chooses to act/think/feel a certain way in a situation that drives you nuts because it is the last damn thing you would have done, take a step back. Try to put yourself in his or her shoes first to understand why. We have the tendency to see the world as we are, but being in a relationship sometimes necessitates the ability to see the world as your partner would. 

5. HAVE FUN. Don’t get stuck in the same old routine all the time of TV and comfort food and what you’re both interested in. Do something your partner does that you don’t. Go for classes together to pick up a skill like dancing or photography or rollerblading. Volunteer at a home. Grow together, have fun together, live life together. 

6. TRUST. He’s having dinner out with this new hot colleague of his. She’s going to her ex-boyfriend’s birthday party. So what? Have faith in your partner’s loyalty to you and in yourself. 

7. STRIVE TO BE A BETTER PERSON EVERYDAY. A relationship needs two healthy and aspirational people. When you are constantly pushing yourself to improve as a person, you inspire your partner and vice versa. Growth is essential in forging a strong relationship. You don’t want to force each other to change, you want to help each other to make each other better versions of yourselves. 

8. BELIEVE IN LOVE AND WORK HARD AT IT. Really. I didn’t use to believe in love. My parents’ feelings for each other had fizzled out early in the marriage. My uncle’s wife cheated on him and they divorced. Another aunt of mine was the third party in a relationship. My grandfather was a womaniser. So I grew up believing true love didn’t exist. What I didn’t realise was that I was surrounded by broken people not broken love. This came to me only when I grew older, gained maturity and got into my first relationship with this amazing man who has shown me that true love does, and can, be built. The most beautiful and worthwhile things don’t come easy.