In the cold and wet alley around the corner of the 26th street, you would find me slumped against the wall in a messy heap. It was such a long day. Taking a swig from the bottle, I heaved a sigh. The very person capable to bring out the best in you, can just as easily bring out the worst. Looking down upon my finger, the faint glint of moonlight echoed from the silver surface of the ring. Lifting my head slightly, I caught glimpse of the moon, just hanging over the top of the dead-end wall. Alone in the moonlight, the pang of solitude and sorrow hit me so hard and off-guard that I was temporarily winded. Just this very morning, I would have told you that I was the happiest and luckiest man on earth.

I woke up earlier today, and it was the usual. A cup of coffee at the breakfast table, and a cold shower to freshen myself up. And of course, there she was. As perfect as always. She ran into the kitchen and planted a kiss on my cheek before she proceeded to make herself a cup of coffee too. I grabbed her hand and pulled her back.

“Look!”

I pointed to a cup on the table. A cup of ready-made coffee for the love of my life. We had recently gotten married half a year ago. And there was nothing I yearned for since. Everything I ever wanted was already in my life. A stable job, a beautiful and caring wife, and a simple life. She smiled and kissed me again, this time on the lips. Her gentle lips pressed against mine as I pulled her closer, burying my hand in her long and soft hair. She pulled away sharply and I raised an eyebrow in surprise but questioned no further as she sat down in front of her usual mickey mouse cup. She took a sip and beamed.

“How is it?” I asked, knowing that she had liked the coffee, without the need for her to say it. She shrugged and smiled mischievously as she said, “Well it’s just a cup of coffee! You’re not exactly Einstein!” Pretending to be shocked, I reached for the cup but she snatched it away before I could grab it.

“Give it back if you don’t want it!” I grinned. She pouted her lips and rose, running out of the room with the cup of coffee in her hands. I smiled and shook my head slightly as I watched her go. Her slender body, with her beautiful face framed by the blonde hair, made her perfect. She could have easily been a model if she wanted to. But she had always turned down offers, due to her confidence issues. However recently she seemed to be more confident than she’d ever been. Was it marriage working its magic?

Getting up from my seat, I noticed something on the floor, right where she exited the room. Picking it up slowly, I realized it was her ring. The wedding band which I gave to her. Just like she usually was, careless was her middle name. I walked up the stairs to our room, ready to tease her for losing the ring. However when I reached our room, she was in the shower, so I sat down on the bed and waited patiently. That was when I saw it. The little brown book at the bottom of the bed. Bending over, I realized it was actually her diary, bounded with a number lock. Curious, I picked it up and examined the book closely. Should I read it? I questioned. It was a matter of integrity… and well. Curiosity. And as always, curiosity always triumphed. I knew what password she would have set. She had never been much of a creative person. It was definitely the digits of her birthday. 

Click. 

The diary opened and I began to flip through the pages, looking at the headings, wondering which date to read first. Then I stopped abruptly. My hands froze and the time stood still. The image was still burnt onto my memory like hot steel on skin. “Do I still love Ken?” Barely registering the fact that I was holding my breath and my hands was trembling slowly, I looked down at the diary entry.

30th July 2006           

Diary…Do I still love Ken? Today I went out with my colleague James for the first time, and…it felt different. Like…I’ve known James all my life. With Ken it was always a very comfortable relationship, and we were always the “Perfect Match” as quoted by people. But… James is so much fun to be with! All the energy and fun in him, I’ve never seen before. There is just something about him that seems to be attracting me to him. But… I still love Ken right? It is probably just infatuation.  

I bit my lip in uncertainty. Was that why she had been rather distant ever since the previous month? Or maybe I was just imagining things… I flipped to the next page with my trembling hands.

6th August 2006

Diary… Today I did something I could never forgive myself for. I went out with James again, and we were chatting, when he suddenly leaned over to kiss me! However I did not even resist. I knew I should have, but my heart seems to be reacting differently from my brain. How can I ever explain to Ken what happened? I can never let him know. Afterall, it’s probably a one-time incident. I will never allow it to happen again…..right?

I took a glance at the silhouette in the shower, humming softly and barely audible through the frosted glass. Was this written by her? It has got to be some kind of mistake. Planted there by one of her friends as a cruel joke right? But no doubt, that was her diary, which she wrote in every night before bed. And the very handwriting which made it undeniable. I inhaled deeply and flipped another page.

8th August 2006

God…can you please tell me what to do? Today when James sent me home from work, we kissed again! This time I actually felt my heart race and my cheeks blossom. What does it mean? Perhaps it is just fate? Was I with the wrong man all this time?

And the next page.

10th August 2006

Today he invited me to his house for a cup of coffee, and things went…viral from there. Now things are simply reaching a point of no return. What do I do? How do I tell Ken that I no longer love him, and that James is actually the man I’ve been waiting for all my life? In Love there is no right and wrong…isn’t it? Perhaps the true love story that I have been waiting for wasn’t between me and Ken. Maybe Ken was the obstacle in me and James’ love story?

And the next.

14th August 2006.

Yes… Now I am more confident than ever. James is the love of my life. I am destined to be with him. Our interests, our energy and chemistry together, there’s no denying it. Being around Ken does mean a sense of security and he has a dependable and honest character. However he will never be able to give me what James give me. Fun. And Excitement. In my life. It’s all I’ve been looking for all my life.

And the very last page. Yesterday.

25th August 2006

Perhaps I will break the news to him tomorrow. I can’t be with him any longer. I am hurting him as much as I’m hurting James. I can’t bear to see the worried look in James eyes when I am actually spending every night in another man’s bed.

“Ken..?” I looked up as she came out from the shower. She took a step out, wrapped in her pink towel and she stopped abruptly. She saw the brown leather book in my hands as I simply stare at her and couldn’t find the words. She started moving forward, “Ken I’m sorry. I meant to tell you all these…but…” I raised an arm to stop her. Nodding silently, I muttered, “Get all your things out of my house by sunset.” She took another step forward and whispered, tears in her eyes, “Let me explain…” I threw the book at the wall as the book tore and the pages fluttered to the ground in the room.

“Out.”

Hostility and anger echoed through that single word as she lowered her head in resignation. The very sight of her standing there in that towel sickens me. The very woman who uttered the very words in a church “I vowed to take you as my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” The very words seemed almost comical and an insult to the marriage. I turned and walked right out the door, locating the nearest bar.

And here I am, slumped in the alley, barely any recollection of the past few hours, but burnt into my memory were the pages of the diary. Every word cutting me like a blade. Taking another swig from the bottle, I laughed, and heard the echo in the empty night. One day, I would wake up from this nightmare and move on with my life. One day. But right now, I was in this nightmare, with no way out.