Ahhh, Medicine – the noble calling. When one is given remuneration partially for the kindness and empathy a physician is expected to exude, one begins to put a price tag on one’s emotional reserve. Maybe it is because I am paid by the hour, so not every patient is viewed as a source of gain. For each patient I see, a mental cost-benefit analysis is subconsciously done. Some are truly more emotionally draining than they’re worth. Here are the 10 types of patients I’ve encountered who never fail to get my rage on, in ascending order of irritation, from peevish bemusement, to imminent meltdown.
#10 The Internet Guru
“Doctor, I am having such-n-such symptoms. I checked the internet and this is my such-n-such diagnosis. I just need these such-n-such medicines.”
Maybe I shouldn’t feel so offended when my clients actually do my work for me – except that they are not. After waiting for these research junkies to finish their monologues, I am still bound by professional duty to restart the conversation from the very beginning to ensure an objective assessment of their condition. Truth be told, I too refer online on occasion, but with six years of training behind me.
#9 The Skeptic
“Doc, are you sure or not? My husband had a similar problem but his doctor gave him a different diagnosis leh…”
I suspect that my youthful good looks isn’t the best of asset in my trade. They give off an air of greenness compared to my older counterparts. The conversation would go round and round in a circular fashion, with me standing by my qualified opinion, and they asking me repeatedly if I am sure. The longer the exchange drags on, the greater the temptation to agree with their preconceived diagnosis just to get the session over with. Sometimes I wonder why they didn’t go to see their usual doctor in the first place, or why they’re seeing a doctor at all.
#8 Crying Babies
“*bawls head off*”
I guess I can’t really blame them for doing the first survival skill that all of us learn when we’re born. But, just like adults, the loudest are usually the least ill yet demand the most attention. In the meantime, there is the constant dilemma of whether to allow them to cut queue and thus risk the ire of those ahead in line, or let their diabolical decibels continue to reverberate throughout the waiting room and blow everyone’s ears out.
#7 The Crybabies
“I’m in severe distress, I have a life-threatening paper cut!”
They come in screaming that they’re going to bleed to death, or die of pain, or have a heart attack. If they make enough noise, I give in and see them early, only to find paper-cuts, broken nails, swollen zits and the occasional feeling-heavy-hearted-because-my-boss-scolded-me-yesterday-so-decided-to-take-a-day-off. “Just smile and nod, bro,” I tell myself, “These pansies pay your bills.”
#6 The Wild Ones
“Shot shot shot shots… and an anti-nausea shot.”
Every Monday, or the first working day after a long weekend, I get to dispense drugs (and displeasure) to folks who’ve either drunk too much, eaten too much, or partied too much over the break. These individuals have no qualms about calling in sick and letting their employers pick up the tab for their hangovers. I particularly remember one young lady who asked me why her lower back was aching after she had been, in her own words, “binge-drinking and puking” the night before.
Then there are those who come in complaining that they’ve been coughing for weeks because none of the meds are working, and the smell of cigarettes hits your nostrils as if they’ve been rolling around in a giant ashtray. Give them the ol’ “No Smoking” advice? They’d tell me it’s not the reason they’re coughing, because they’ve been smoking for years… Whatever. If they have money to spend on overpriced smokes in Singapore, they certainly have money for the pricier medicines, so why not keep them happy and clear some slower moving inventory at the same time? Win-Win!
#5 The Missing-In-Action
“I must go, my people need me.”
They come in, they register and take a number, and then they go off to do something more fun than waiting in line, on the assumption that if and when they do show up after missing their turn, they’d still get to go next by virtue of their lower queue number, thereby effectively cutting their own waiting time to zero. To put a stop to this queue number abuse, some doctors relegate such patients to the third or fourth of the current queue at the time of their return. Sometimes I get so pissed that, unless they had a valid reason, I make sure these exploiters get seen last.
#4 The MC Haggler
“There’s no harm in asking… just in case, just in case.”
So you want to see a doctor, but you don’t want this medicine? Oh, you don’t want too many of those pills as well? Hm, you just need the MC? I see… What? Can we give you a discount since you’re a senior citizen? The world is a marketplace and the clinic is no sanctuary from bargain hunters. When it becomes too obvious that they are just looking for an MC, we put our foot down and tell them that if they’re not sick enough to require meds, then they’re not sick enough to require MC. If they explain that they already have the prescription from another clinic, they’d be required to show that the drugs have not expired.
#3 The Addict
“Oh Doc, could you throw in one more bottle of cough syrup? You know, that brown one? I’m still coughing… *cough* *cough* ”
It doesn’t matter what they came in for. Be it the flu, a headache, a sprained back or food poisoning, these characters can always be counted upon to end the consultation with a request for codeine-containing cough meds. Codeine remains the most effective cough suppressant but can get some users addicted to the high it also gives. The permutations vary but the basic request remains the same. Some come every week, some monthly, most are very specific about their wish for the “brown” syrup, one was fine with a different-coloured preparation, but they’re all looking for codeine, and they all refuse to have further investigations or to have their persistent cough reviewed by a specialist. I used to try reasoning with these folks, now I just say no, vehemently if I have to. Hopefully they don’t bother me again.
#2 The Bottomless Pit
“Oh Doc, and one more thing…”
The most feared phrase in the consultation room. It means that what you thought was a closed case is now suddenly reopened; It means longer waiting times for the rest; Most of all, it means re-mustering the mental energies you have just spent on the patient’s earlier problem, because this next could turn out to be the truly serious one. It interrupts workflow, it disrupts thought flow, and it aggravates physician stress. Now imagine a patient using the phrase oh-so-casually to get his other aches and pains checked out, four times in a row. The patient isn’t in the wrong, but I can’t say I remain alright. I suppose they think they are simply getting their money’s worth. Perhaps they’d be fine with a dose of my wrath to go along?
#1 The Im-Patient
“Aiyoh! Why is this doctor so slow? How come queue number only at number 11 after two hours!? All the other clinics I go too would have reached number 20 by now! Is this a real clinic? Ridiculous… Just close shop lah!!”
Nothing makes the blood of a doctor boil more than the railings of the impatient patient. Perhaps they think I can’t hear them through the walls. No one is forcing them to stay. They are free to cancel and look elsewhere, but have deliberately chosen to hang around instead and get a kick out of tearing my practice down. Rather than count their blessings of being in a country where they can walk into a clinic without an appointment and expect to be seen on the same day, these simpletons live in a fairy tale world where all medical problems are solved in 6 minutes or less. As far as I can care, if that is the standard of “efficiency” they expect, then that is the standard they shall get –
For themselves.
Final Words
Of course, these are but distinct archetypes. In reality one patient can be a combination of the above, then things get very interesting…
I am Angry Doc. You don’t want to hear me roar.
Anonymous submission.
