I’m a fan of US television shows and the occasional Hong Kong or Taiwan drama series. As enthralling as they are, we all know that these drama are almost never realistic. We say things like “Why do those bullets never seem to hit the lead?” or “As if someone can jump so far in real life!” Everybody knows that these drama often use a mixture of cinematography, or filmography to make the show more exciting or to cater to the storyline. But beyond that, I wonder – How many people realize that television drama have been messing with something else all along?

They’ve been messing with our expectations of relationships.

It has been brainwashing us since young

From young, children grew up watching Disney and its happy endings. Children stories end with a “happily ever after”. But in real life how many people get that “happily ever after”? We grew up watching and listening to these stories. And it isn’t until we are much older when we realize a perfect and happy ending, or a Prince Charming simply might not exist.

The Soulmate

Be it the utterly romantic and charming guy with his cute flirting, or the hot girl in the show who falls for the male lead after a series of fortunate events – More often than not, when there is a love story involved somehow, the male and female lead are usually shown to be perfect for each other, from their little habits, their interests and their bickering. Soulmates, they call them. Reality is, humans don’t fit together that perfectly. If humans are not perfect, how can there be a perfect fit for two human beings? Humans are complex creatures, where our behavior are defined by our personality, our mood, our environment. An uncountable number of factors weigh in to affect how we behave. No human is 100% predictable. People do not even understand themselves entirely, and it’s almost impossible for another to be able to understand you fully. And relationships are very much affected by these uncertainty and unpredictability.

A good relationship is not about being perfect for each other, but it is two people who are compatible being together and being aware of each other’s flaws. To deal with those flaws and make a conscious choice and effort to be with that person.

It is a conscious choice and effort, not simply fit together like a perfect jigsaw puzzle piece. Yet these drama set many young men and women off in a search for their “Soulmate” and “The One”. Do these people really exist?

Reality is never as romantic

A church filled with balloons. A room filled with rose petals. Standing in the rain to seek forgiveness. A surprise dinner in a restaurant overlooking the city skyline. Searching the pond overnight for a necklace she threw away in a quarrel, and actually finding it. Things like these simply happen very rarely. They do happen, but these occurrences are few and far between. In the first place, romantic surprises or big gestures often cost quite a bit and not many can actually afford. But monetary issue aside, how often can this kind of things happen? Even if the person makes a conscious effort to plan these gestures, how many can he/she perform? Perhaps it will happen more often at the start of a relationship, but it will definitely not be as often as drama suggests.

If such gestures are performed on Valentine’s annually, and on birthdays and anniversaries, that is still three days. Out of 365 days a year. That leaves 362 days which are mundane everyday life where probably nothing much happens, only punctuated with small quarrels.

So when people claim that their partners are not romantic, maybe they want to take a look again. Those text messages that says good morning and goodnight, suggests you are the first and last person he/she thinks of every day. Those phone calls to check if you are home safely, those annoying reminders to drink more water or keep warm on a cold day. The extended stare he/she gives you when he/she thinks you are not looking. All these are effort and gestures as well. These are realistic, sincere and genuine gestures to care for a person.

Love is not about big gestures, but about small consistent everyday effort to care for you.

But yet many overlook these consistent effort, take them for granted, and yearn for more of those big gestures and eventful incidents that the dramas promised.

All these people are not consciously naive. They simply never realized that what they desired all along has never existed, and the incessant demands they make of their partners are sometimes quite illogical. Once again, not all relationships are like these, but there are no lack of examples either. I have seen many couples breaking up because he/she “isn’t _____ enough.” I have also seen lasting couples (including my parents) who have been together for many years. A common trait of such lasting couples is that they recognize that reality isn’t perfect and they worked hard to stay together. To overcome their differences. Most importantly, people need to stop searching for The One or demanding their partners fit their dream, instead start cherishing. True happy endings does not need pursuing. It comes from within the two parties. As a friend had once told me,

“True lasting happiness is not searching for something we lack but instead appreciating what we have.”