What’s In A (Unfortunate, Ill-conceived) Name?
We’ve all got someone like that in our lives. Even if you’re one of the few who doesn’t, you’ll most definitely be aware of at least one celebrity with this unique predicament. There was that meme with the IC of some poor guy named Batman bin Suparman. NSFs unlucky enough to have the surname Chow and the initials C.B. would have had to deal with sniggers and jibes throughout the length of their service. Being Singaporean Chinese even gives one the rare chance to have a bilingually alliterative moniker like Lily Lee Li Li. So yes, we’re talking about names. Those things by which every object and living organism is known, whether they like it or not. And some people, unfortunately, have names that lend themselves to ridicule and scorn.
Not all ill-conceived names were created equal, though, and some are infinitely more worth our derision than others. Here’s a handy guide to the kinds of silly names out there, arranged in ascending order of the amount of mockery they deserve.
1. Names that are the results of unfortunate typos
Sometimes, parents set out to give their children perfectly reasonable and sensible names, but that doesn’t end up being what’s reflected on the birth certificate. Perhaps Dad’s handwriting sucked, or whichever nurse keyed the name into the system forgot to spell-check before pressing ‘Enter’, but names that are purely the result of unintended human error do exist. The next time you meet someone called Byran or Claru, be kind and don’t remark on just how unique their names are. They’ll thank you for it.
2. Names that are perfectly innocuous in the original culture/language under which they were bestowed, but which take on ludicrous or even vulgar connotations in another
The classic case of this is, of course, Batman bin Suparman. The poor guy never asked to become the butt of countless ‘worst names ever’ memes across the English-speaking world, and neither did his parents (though you could say he brought it upon himself by committing petty theft). Anyone with ‘Kok’ in their names can commiserate to a certain extent. Angmohs aren’t immune to this translational hiccup either. Soccer player Frank Lampard would probably get slapped across the face if he casually introduced himself to a genteel, Hokkien-speaking auntie.
3. Names that mean the same thing or are pronounced the same way in English and Chinese
This one is a mixed bag. If done right, it can be a stunning example of effective bilingualism. Take Rose Ang Mei Kway, for example. Not only does Mei Kway (玫瑰) mean ‘rose’ in Chinese, but Ang is also most often pronounced as Hong (洪), which sounds exactly the same as the Chinese word for ‘red’ (红). So you get Rose, Red Rose, which is actually kind of neat. On the other hand, names like Mary Tan Ma Li or Peter Lim Bi De just smack of laziness.
4. Names that are clearly male or female specific, but are given to a child of the opposite sex
There are names which are clearly unisex (like this writer’s, Leslie), names which are slightly more doubtful but still acceptable (like Taylor or Evelyn) and then there are names which you give to your child at the risk of him or her having to explain to customs officials how there hasn’t been an administrative error every time they travel. In our part of the world, this is more common for parents who were hoping for a boy but ended up with a girl instead, though the reverse does happen in Western countries. You can snigger a little if you meet a girl named Julian or a guy named Olivia, but do so discreetly, because they’ll most likely have a major chip on their shoulders.
5. Names derived from overzealous fanboying or fangirling
It’s all very well to name your son Luke and your daughter Leia if you’re a hardcore Star Wars fan, but names like Jedi, Padawan and (God forbid) Jar Jar Binks are clearly not intended for mass usage, if at all. Those unlucky enough to have such a name saddled upon them at birth obviously deserve some sympathy, but then there are those who feel the need to express their adulation with a little DIY rebranding. No, changing your name to Sasuke Chan or Naruto Lim on Facebook will not make everyone marvel at what a dedicated fan you are, merely at the depths you’re willing to sink to in the name (pun intended) of love.
6. Names that unsuspecting Taiwanese/Hong Kong/Mainland Chinese celebrities give themselves for better name recognition, but which just end up falling flat
The ridiculous examples that populate this category are numerous enough to spawn an article all by themselves, and have indeed done so on multiple occasions (just Google ‘weird Hong Kong celebrity names’). While the Kabbys and Rainkys of the Hong Kong entertainment industry can at least attribute their outlandish monikers to something approaching a national fetish, their counterparts in China and Taiwan have no such excuse, and still come up with equally ludicrous names. Erstwhile Taiwanese boyband Comic Boyz had four members with the names Kingone, Shone, Figaro and Arroy respectively (the last member, obviously the smart one, gave himself the name Peter). And let’s not even talk about that least successful of Angelababy’s numerous artificial enhancements: her name.
7. Names that pretentious hipsters who should really know better give themselves
So far we’ve had names generated by misguidedness, ignorance, laziness and obsession, but the kind that really takes the cake are those prompted by sheer pretentiousness. Bad enough that we have to put up with poseurs aching to flaunt their literary knowledge by calling themselves Maugham or Auden or Tennyson, but there are those who take it to a whole new level by attempting to fashion an appellation the likes of which have never been seen before. Any takers for Jensabella or Treybert? What about Rheverie? … We thought not. Not unless you want to risk comparisons with rhubarbs and rhododendrons and rhinos, oh my.